The energy is thick and intense right now, to say the least. That isn’t necessarily bad, ultimately, but it may be challenging to consider that now. This is just the reminder that it all serves a purpose. And you probably won’t know what that purpose is right now. But one day, you will be able to look back, and you will.

So let it happen. Be kin…

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It won’t look or feel like this forever.

It may be feeling a little stuck, a little sticky, a little heavy… like mud… or molasses… or being underwater.

You may want to isolate… turn inward… cocoon…

All of this is normal. Go with it.

You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be right now.

You are safe, you are loved, you are taken care of, you are be…

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Last week I brought up relationships. The theme is still going strong. It’s very simple—

Are you giving and receiving in balance?
Are you giving to the right people?
Do you get in your own way of receiving?
Do you ever refuse support because you’re so strong and independent and amazing at what you do and you got it?

You deserve to receive. You deser…

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There is a strong focus on our relationships right now. And it goes beyond surface-level stuff. Think beyond romance—we’re looking at our friendships, our families, our business partners, our bosses, our co-workers, and even the not-so-significant people we interact with on a daily basis. We’re taking a look at the energy we give and the energy…

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I just want to remind you that your authentic you, is the best you. There is no need to fake anything, force anything, put on a mask, dim your light, play small, or pretend.

It’s ok to have dreams and desires.
It’s ok to be scared.
It’s ok to not know.
It’s ok to take up space.
It’s ok to be confident.
It’s ok to trust your intuition.
It’s ok to say n…

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Just a gentle reminder that you are human and it’s normal to want love, to want to be seen and understood, to want validation. It’s normal to feel scared of the unknown, to want to know everything, to be frustrated when you don’t. It’s normal to feel exhausted, it’s normal to not know what it is you need, to struggle to take care of yourself.

It…

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You know how last week I wanted you to remember who you are? Any triggers or challenges that have come up in the last week are still completely aligned with this. So don’t lose hope or give up just yet, we are in a process right now—trust the process.

I’ve said it so many times before, and it rings true this week—it’s less about the actual chall…

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If my last summer was a grief and postpartum anxiety summer, this summer is the unbearable overlap of postpartum and perimenopause summer. For those who don’t know, although we may think of the postpartum period to mean six weeks after childbirth, or even six months after childbirth, but really it’s one year after childbirth, the truth and science is that a mother’s brain isn’t recovered for up until TWO TO SIX YEARS after childbirth. As a new mom you are in constant vigilance, you are biologically wired to not sleep deeply anymore, your hormones are a mess, you are in chronic stress, and your brain has lost focus, memory, and cognition. The cortisol levels and lack of recovery do so much damage.

And for those who don’t know, perimenopause is the sometimes TEN YEARS that lead up to menopause. (For those who don’t know, menopause is when your period stops for twelve months straight.) The average age for menopause is 52, but can be as early as 45, and in the years leading up to it, perimenopause means hormone levels declining, which shows up as periods changing, insomnia, irritability, rage, depression, mood swings, anxiety, night sweats, achy joints, and fine—hot flashes—just to name a few things.

After having my son almost two years ago, I have been in constant survival mode. (I mean, you’ve seen my Substacks, good grief.) Existing was such a struggle, I was so fatigued and depleted, so unlike myself, feeling all of the worst feelings at all times. Just absolutely fighting for my life to show up every day. So this summer, I decided to investigate, not knowing whether it could still be postpartum, or maybe perimenopause, but it was worth doing something. Lucky for me, I was also in need of contraception, so as suggested by my doctor, I attempted treating my symptoms with the birth control pill, which, for those who don’t know, contains synthetic hormones that could help stabilize your own hormones, and has some pretty gnarly side effects for up to three months. It did, in fact, make me feel insane—all summer, I was hanging on for dear life, hoping I just needed to get over the three-month hump, almost giving up once because it was so terrible, hoping it would be worth it in the end.

And this week, it’s been almost three months, and… this is the best I’ve ever felt since having a child.

And I know it isn’t circumstantial or in my head—as usual, life has been challenging, fear is overwhelming, world news gets worse and worse, and my self-esteem is low! There have been no validation hits, no strokes of luck, no temporary highs… nothin’. So this is real!

I just feel… better? I have energy again. I’m not struggling for dear life anymore. My cup is no longer empty. I don’t feel like I’m dying.

So that’s it? It was just hormones? IT WAS JUST HORMONES.

As I’ve learned more about perimenopause, I’ve been in shock of how little we are taught about this. That no one ever warned me about it. That people aren’t talking about it all the time. Of course, women’s health isn’t cared about enough, sure. But why don’t women talk about it more? Because it isn’t sexy? That’s what I thought, too, and then I saw Penelope Cruz spit some serious truth about it in The Invite, and then she started speaking about it publicly, and she’s one of the sexiest people I’ve ever seen, so that can’t always be true. (I know—we can’t all be Penelope Cruz. Sad.)

Is it because talking about perimenopause automatically outs you as a woman in your 40s or 50s? Do we not talk about being in our 40s or 50s because people are ashamed of getting older? Why must we be so afraid of a human thing that happens to literally everyone? Why must we be in complete delusion that time isn’t moving and death isn’t coming? Why are beautiful girls (and boys!) literally tacking up their faces trying to fight a mortality that’s inevitable? (Because it’s scary, I know.)

I know this is controversial, but I don’t think people need to immobilize or fill up their faces so that they can no longer express their emotions with the goal of avoiding a wrinkle. I don’t think they have to do anything to their faces. (If that’s what makes you feel good about yourself, of course, you have the right to do whatever you want, I love you, I support you, I got bad tattoos, I actually struggle daily to like my own face.) I think people are so beautiful. I think putting the most value on youth is a scam. I am going to eventually be an old woman with wrinkles, and I might feel insecure about it, but I will look like myself and I will trust that. I will laugh and cry and crinkle my eyebrows and I will speak overanimatedly at dinner because I want you to know that I’m feeling for you. I will remember that I am growing and changing all the time, I will remember that I am going to die someday, I will remember that when I was young I was a trainwreck and it was exhausting, I was looking for love in all the wrong places and I was cold all the time and never had a jacket and I gave so much power to other people and it was all just so exhausting. Whenever I see a woman (or man!) on screen whose face moves, who has lines and wrinkles and all sorts of natural things, it’s one of my favorite things to see these days, it’s a breath of fresh air, it’s a sigh of relief, it’s a feeling of love, because self-acceptance is true power, and authenticity is the most beautiful vibration. I love all the faces in older movies and TV. I’m sad when I get to the second season of a TV or reality show and the 20-somethings look different, they can’t move, the beautiful faces I had already fallen in love with are gone.

I’m not supposed to say these things! We’re not supposed to talk about bodies. We’re not supposed to judge people and their choices. We’re not supposed to talk about our problems. We’re not supposed to share private things. We’re not supposed to talk about our age. We’re not supposed to talk about periods.

I think it’s triggering for me when people don’t talk about things because I was raised by immigrant parents who didn’t talk about things. Even as a young child, it felt crazy being in my house, seeing the things I was seeing, hearing the things I was hearing, feeling the things I was feeling, and nobody around me talking about it. I think it was traumatizing to have eventually gotten brave enough to talk about things, and for all of it to backfire on me, every single time. And I think this kind of upbringing really does some damage to your self-worth and the confidence in your own voice. And I think it makes sense I’d end up writing about things no one was talking about as soon as I was a teenager and it makes sense I’d try to make a career from creatively oversharing in as many ways as I can. And I think it’s sad that when I say “oversharing” I just mean being myself.

But anyway, I think I mention the hormones, the summer heat, and the childhood trauma to really paint the picture of where these words are coming from.

But also… are you in your 40s? Do you feel crazy? PSA: IT COULD BE YOUR HORMONES. Are you in your late 30s? THIS IS A THING THAT YOU’RE GOING TO WANT TO KNOW ABOUT.

The summer I turned pretty,
Char.

The reset starts today. In the next few weeks you will start to feel yourself again. You will start to feel signs of life again. You may even feel hopeful and excited again.

Today I want to remind you to remember who the f*ck you are. Sorry to be not so gentle about that, but I am shaking you and maybe even (playfully) slapping you in the face. …

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Are you exhausted? Burnt out? Anxious?

Have old fears come up? Are you worried? Obsessive? Panicked?

You’re not alone. A lot of us feel this way this week.

It won’t feel like this forever. We’re being guided to recover. And maybe reflect on the last few weeks—what themes or lessons came up for you? And how do those themes or lessons relate to what…

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Believe it or not, it’s still a good time to do nothing. I know, I know. We’re over the pause. We’re tired of the in-between. And we hate not knowing. But this is the end of this particular phase. Soon, you will be so busy again, and you will look back at this time and wish you had surrendered to it, wish you hadn’t felt so bad about it.

But we’…

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You aren’t just imagining things—it feels weird right now. Yes, still. For those of us who love to know everything, who love to be in control, who love checking off a to-do list, who love to see the output of our overachieving input, this can be a challenging time. And that’s because we are meant to pause right now. We are meant to be in the un…

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Right now it may feel like you aren’t doing enough, like you’re supposed to be out there taking action, making things happen, moving mountains. When the truth is, right now is less about chasing and reaching and grabbing, and more about staying open, letting go, getting out of the way, receiving, and allowing what is coming to you, come to you.

…

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Right now feels like an in-between, a transition, a waiting room, the unknown, untethered. The less you can do right now, the better.

Let what is coming or going or shifting or changing happen.

Taking my own advice,
Char

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Just a few things to put out there for you this week—

1. Think about the people who make you feel seen. Really seen. Really think on it, and put the list together in your head.

2. Now list the people you give the most energy to these days. Who are you engaging with on a daily basis? Who are you spending your time off with? Who are you texting?

You don’…

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It actually isn’t your job right now to figure out how. You don’t need to know how. How is being taken care of as we speak.

Doesn’t that free up some space for you? Now you can focus your energy on taking care of yourself and tending to your needs, so that you can be present and your cup can be full in order to receive the how that’s coming.

I kn…

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I feel like this week is a bit tender. But the thing is, I think we’re all functioning just fine. Showing up. Going through the motions. That isn’t necessarily a great thing. But I think a lot of us are struggling internally. But I basically just wanted to let you know, that if you are struggling this week, that I see you. And I’m with you. I h…

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I just want to remind you today that good things do exist. And good things are happening to you right now. I know it’s so easy to get swept away by the bad stuff, but I want to invite you this week to pay attention to the good stuff too. It’s true what they say… what we focus on, what we give energy and attention to, grows. It magnifies. Especi…

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This week—actually, I’m gonna say this month—is a good time to do things a little differently. These don’t have to be major life changes, either. I’m talkin’ subtle. Maybe there’s a way you can break out of your routine, even for one day. Maybe you want to wear your hair differently today. Or put on that shirt that you still have, but never wea…

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When you’ve spent all of your twenties in active, destructive love addiction, and most of your thirties in gut-wrenching, transformative love addiction recovery, Love Island—like most reality dating shows—can be a little annoying, a little numbing, a little demoralizing, but sometimes entertaining. And for me—a now healthy married older wiser tired mom still looking to find herself again but is too tired to grasp onto literally anything—it’s a little something to look forward to.

It’s a little something to look forward to because Love Island airs nearly every single day. That’s right—except for only Wednesdays there is a new episode, and on Saturdays there is Love Island: Aftersun, a recap show that I have no interest in but will put on because I don’t know what else to do with myself when my son is asleep and my nervous system can finally settle.

It’s worth mentioning that my appreciation for Love Island goes back pretty far—I watched nearly every season of Love Island UK (Season 4 stan, GOAT, IYKYK) and for as long as I could I declared that nothing could beat UK, so I wouldn’t dare ever watch USA… (“The accents are what make it!” I’d insist.)

…until I started watching Love Island USA Season 6 while I was pregnant. (Which was pretty solid. IYKYK!)

So now, Season 8 of Love Island USA has been airing for almost a month, and although it started pretty uneventful… it has recently gotten interesting. (I! Y! K! Y! K!)

Every year I get older, and every year the Love Island contestants remain young. Very, very young. I am now old enough where I don’t understand what they’re saying most of the time, don’t understand what they’re wearing, and can’t stop shouting things at the TV like, “but you’re a child!”

And I’m now old enough (and have done so much work on myself and relationship patterns) that I can watch the show like an analyst, labeling exactly what is playing out. I will call out the trauma-based dynamic. I will call out the toxic relationship cycle. I will call out the work that needs to be done in order to fix it. I will guess what made them this way and why. I will accurately predict what they will do next and with which person. I live for this. Like a man standing in front of the TV watching football.

And I can do all of this, because I was these people.

(On a side note: Thank goodness Love Island didn’t exist when I was 21 because if I had gotten on the show, I would be that reality show girl who ends up leaving in a stretcher from crying too hard.)

(Another side note: I was, in fact, on Elimidate when I was 21 and I DID black out and I DID win, and the guy eventually ended up in the Bachelor franchise, and I wish there was a way to watch this episode so badly, trust me, I’ve tried, maybe it’s for the better that it no longer exists.)

Any reality dating show would have triggered me in the past—while in recovery I couldn’t watch them, post-recovery it could still be a little activating. But now, long after those recovery days, the chaos and longing and yearning and not-enoughness in the rearview mirror, watching these shows are a completely different experience for me. It’s hilarious. It’s nostalgic. Dare I say it’s even… healing?

When I get to watch all of these former versions of myself—Kenzie making out with whoever gives her attention, Aniya desperately holding out for someone who clearly doesn’t like her, Melanie returning to Sincere over and over again no matter what he does and what people tell her, Parmida giving off a nonchalant guys’ girl persona then immediately wanting to close off, KC changing his entire personality and tone depending on who he’s with, everyone doing backflips and mental jiu-jitsu to convince themselves that the other person is their person… I feel so grateful I’m not there anymore. I can feel nostalgic for the fun parts of being young and crazy, those insane highs that come from going fast with someone you barely know, the temporary validation of a hot person choosing you (oh man, it was fun!) but I’m so relieved that my entire well-being no longer relies on some lame unavailable dude.

The fact that I can watch the show and feel a knowing, a compassion, and a distance… and enjoy the hell out of it… shows me where I am now. And if you know me or my past well enough… you know THIS IS A MIRACLE. (lol)

I think in new motherhood I’ve really learned (been forced) to appreciate the little things and savor them… long drives in the car alone, showers, sweet treats, feelings of fleeting connection with literally anyone… and now, trash TV. I can genuinely, wholeheartedly say I’m grateful for Love Island USA at the end of the day. (And I do. I actually do. I say the things I’m grateful for out loud before I fall asleep as an attempt to keep me from drowning.)

Now, this season’s underlying themes of misogyny and red-pilling are for another type of essay, but I’ll let that go for now because tonight is… MOVIE NIGHT! (IF! YOU! KNOW! YOU! KNOW!!!!!)

Team Brinity, but actually Zach and Bryce, Carl 4-ever, etc., etc.